Saturday 17 May 2014

Infusion of those uncontrollable emotions

He was the same. He had always been this way. Maybe I was only too busy loving him, to notice anything!

Last evening, again, we could not talk properly, as was our routine during the early days. He did not seem to mark this, I loved him enough not to mention it.
I meant something more than a partner, I knew. But knowing was not enough. I needed to feel it!
He said he would try. This topic was an exception to his usual nature of contradicting. The more he avoided a wrangle, the more I felt the pangs of conscience for asking him to prove that he loved me! I knew he did. He knew I knew. Why was I being so narrow then?

I asked him to call me as soon as his plane landed, just a meaningless remainder. He would, obviously. The only thing which could stop him from calling me was an absorbing company. He enjoyed company, meeting people, new people, from different lands. Yes there was me, there were a few others too, but he needed more. At a time of his life when everything else had almost come to a halt, i agreed this was one thing he needed the most. Substantially, I would be that company. He wasn't tired of me, he could never be. There were still parts of me undiscovered by him.

No he did not call after landing. 

At such times, there was such an uproar of emotions inside me which could never come out in any form of words! Any which way I tried I couldn't replicate the storm inside me to the outside world for him, or for anyone else, to consider. Regardless of my trials to subside, the emotions came out in the form of tiny droplets.

I wasn't being selfish, if truth be told I was happy for him. The way his eyes lite up during an unconventional conversation which made his grey cells churn was a sight i cherished! Having said that, somewhere inside me it was always me who wanted to be the reason for that sight, which by the way cherished, and not the person who was the reason behind it! I craved to be the only reason behind that sparkle in his eyes! I desired was to be a part during his happy times as well, like I was a part of the tough ones. During periods of his struggle, his outbursts, his hollowness, his sadness I have always been there like a pillar. Then why could he not include me in those rare eyes-shining-bright times of his life?

I think, he too realized this, that there were periods when he shun me out without any notice. And so to make up, he'd rather be all romantic and say that he will love me forever. It was then that he showed me that love I had been asking him to show. But now, I did not desire it.
He called me 5 hours after his plane landed and he sounded very lively.
"Hi babe. How are you? I've missed you so much!" And just keeping me at the back of your mind does not include 'missing me so much'.
"I love you. God, 3 days to go before I can be back with you". All about him, there is no sign of "I'm sorry I couldn't call, have you been waiting? Damn!" I was so angry, I could soak all the love up and flush it down the toilet.
"So I met this guy who....". 

I wanted to tell him how I have only been staring at the phone for the past five hours, how I've had weird thoughts about him getting caught up in an accident, how I've wondered if I had actually reminded him to call me, how I've looked down upon me for holding on to him so much, how hard I've cried because I knew he had something to dissolve him enough, how I've further felt guilty to be crying instead of being happy for him, how i had decided not to pick up his calls the entire day, how I jumped up seeing his name flashing on my phone, whipped the tears and wore an automatic smile on my face, how I thought of forgiving him when he pleaded for it, but he did not. 

Blame it on the lack of perfect words or being infused with emotions or those bright eyes which I could see through the phone, I did not let my feelings out again this time. But neither had I the strength to tell him that I missed him too. 
I put down the phone silently.

1 comment:

  1. After reading all this , I just can say only one thing that it is intense !
    It is really painful to see someone ignore the love and care which we shower so lavishly on them. Irony of love and life.
    In any relationship, there will be always one person who loves more and who is more passionate than the other (at least I noticed that). I wonder how the relationship will be when both of them have that kind of love for each other. Experiencing and expressing the love more than the other :)


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