Saturday, 31 May 2014

How I battled depression.

While going through my drafts I found this post and I really wanted to share it with you people. I completed it and tada-daa, here's how I fought depression. 

NOTE: That's not really how I fought depression. More like how I will fight depression when I get depressed. That's really why I had saved the post in my drafts, but I can't wait to get depressed to post this now.

So i was sad. Very sad. I sat at the window in my room for minutes (hours is too long for me to sit idle at one place, even in depression). Observing people, cursing the happy faces. 

Every morning I woke up and wished myself a sad morning. Every night was a sad night. 

I got immune to this feeling. I was happily sad until someone asked me- Why are you sad. Now this depressed me! It's depressing to feel sad for no reason. People generally have a justifiable reason to be sad, but not me. This became a good enough reason, but not for long. 

I couldn't find solace in anything. Mummy ordered Pizzas! Nah. I topped the class test! Nah. My favorite writer wrote back to me! Nah. I kept crying and cried myself to sleep every night. Only for the sake of crying. I even updated my Whatsapp status to "I am sad". How sadder can it get?!

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I acted like the protagonist in sad movies. 

"Oh God, why me? Why did you do this to me??"

But it didn't quite fit well if there was no actual reason of the protagonist's sadness. 
To top it, the maid saw me acting and chuckled. I know she will go and tell the neighbors. Crap!

I played loud sad songs on my speakers. Well then brother came in and took away the speakers. This could be the reason! 
"I'm sad because I wasn't allowed to play loud, ear-wrecking, sad songs for no reason".

I could do better!

When I didn't find a reason for this feeling, I grew tired of it. I wanted to be happy now.

I tried to get myself out of being sad. 
"Hey you. You should not be sad."

That didn't help. 
I tried to feel shame as a sort of motivation.
"You are depressed? Do you even know what that is? Do you know how it feels when you don't have food to eat after a tiring day of manual work? Or when your boss sexually exploits you? The worst thing that happened to you is the Pizza bar was closed."

"Did you dream on becoming a sad person when you grew up? Well you're doing a pretty good job babyy."

This only gave me a feeling of self hatred and I was still sad.
I reverted to abusing.

"Hey you freaking ugly lobster out there. STOP CRYING FOR NO REASON. Who even does that?

"I hate you for ruining my limited days of survival!" 

"You're so chubby and you could never get a hubby! So better stop crying"

Nothing could help. I guess they'll call me 'the depressed soul' when I die. I kept sinking in my own unknown sorrows until I felt like a machine.

Friends and Family started helping. 
"Go out with people. You'll feel better." Or end up making them sad as well? No thank you.
"Let's go to the water-park you water baby!"  I'm depressed, I'm not a kid, you buffoon. 
"I baked cake for you. See."  I could go to a cake shop to see. Can i eat now?

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None of these was the solution to my undiscovered problem. I felt stupid. Dull. Goofy.

I had to get out of this depressing feeling anyhow! That's when I decided I would force myself to laugh at everything. At first I thought it wasn't going to work after all but well, nothing else did too.

Brother came up singing to himself- "So it's a bitter sweet symphony this liiiiiiiiiiiiife".
I burst out laughing through his weird looks. 

Friend called- "Do you have the constitution notes ma'am gave?"
I laughed again and through the phone I could almost see his him squinting.

On my way to college I saw a person driving and I laughed at him too. Thank God I was driving faster.

In college, someone started to speak- " I don't know why..." I interrupted by laughing. Even I didn't know why. 


2 days went by this way. By the third, people were so tired of me that they forced a laugh when they looked at me before I could laugh. I found that funny. RANDOM PEOPLE FORCING LAUGHTER IS THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WORLD! 

The element of laughter had allowed the laughter to circle back on itself! You go girl!

Friday, 30 May 2014

A writer's plight

      This is a post linking to Rochelle's 100 words photo prompt. As a part of Friday Fictioners, I had to write a post related, however loosely, to this photo. Read on :)                                      


Her mind exploded, the cool wind caressing her hair. She held her face in her palms, resting them on her knees. The pages of her book fluttered one after the other, all unveiling her vacuousness. Poorva, the protagonist in her book was dying and she had no way to save her.

She sat there wondering. She should not have let a character she made up come so close to her heart to let her fill up all her voids. Lighting a match stick to a gasper, she inhaled. The shag hit her hard.

Looking down at the xyst she felt herself sinking. Deeper. Deeper. Until she reached the paramount. It was now time to open her fists.

She collected all her senses and looked up only to see the entire town spread below her. The blank pages started to be filled with scribbles.  

Monday, 26 May 2014

M to D- The Price of your dreams

The daughter lay on the bed facing her pillow, deep in the vividness of her thoughts.
Her mother asked, " What is that you dream about?"

"Dream? I'm trying not to dream. There's always a price you have to pay for your dreams." She mumbled from inside the pillow.

"Aren't you paying a price right now, for not dreaming?"
She sat up this time.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Damn it, Bon Jovi!

It's always a pleasure to write for Word Tribe's prompts. This week's prompt was " if s/he knew then whats/he knew now". This is my take on the prompt. Do let me know what you think of it in the comments section below.

He read the lyrics again,

"She says we've got to hold on to what we've got 
'Cause it doesn't make a difference 
If we make it or not 
We've got each other and that's a lot 
For love - we'll give it a shot "

Sunday, 18 May 2014

There is no end to a search

She woke up with a sigh. She had wished last night to not be able to see the sun again, she wished for a miracle that could take the little pinch of life in her away, instantly. She wouldn't take the leap. She knew her worth. She saw the crack of dawn through her window and wondered what beauty did people derived from it. She knew comfort in a coarse black night only lit up by a tinge of the reticent moon. But she sensed that morning was to be different. So she climbed out of her bed, warmed by her own heat, sat down by the window and tried to be enthralled by the facade scarlet sky.

Saturday, 17 May 2014

A wonted symbiotic relation

He lost his parents before he could retain any memory and created a void in his heart which he filled with anger against the world.

Being punished by his teacher that day, for he wasn't able to identify alphabets, he banged the door open and started throwing the neat bolster into disarray.

Infusion of those uncontrollable emotions

He was the same. He had always been this way. Maybe I was only too busy loving him, to notice anything!

Last evening, again, we could not talk properly, as was our routine during the early days. He did not seem to mark this, I loved him enough not to mention it.

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

I'm a me-person

I have to write. I have to write good. I need to keep them hooked. I ought to sound appealing. Think. Think.
Let me write something for myself today.