This is a post linking to Rochelle's 100 words photo prompt. As a part of Friday Fictioners, I had to write a post related, however loosely, to this photo. Read on :)
Her mind exploded, the cool wind caressing her hair. She held her face in her palms, resting them on her knees. The pages of her book fluttered one after the other, all unveiling her vacuousness. Poorva, the protagonist in her book was dying and she had no way to save her.
She sat there wondering. She should not have let a character she made up come so close to her heart to let her fill up all her voids. Lighting a match stick to a gasper, she inhaled. The shag hit her hard.
Looking down at the xyst she felt herself sinking. Deeper. Deeper. Until she reached the paramount. It was now time to open her fists.
She collected all her senses and looked up only to see the entire town spread below her. The blank pages started to be filled with scribbles.
Her mind exploded, the cool wind caressing her hair. She held her face in her palms, resting them on her knees. The pages of her book fluttered one after the other, all unveiling her vacuousness. Poorva, the protagonist in her book was dying and she had no way to save her.
She sat there wondering. She should not have let a character she made up come so close to her heart to let her fill up all her voids. Lighting a match stick to a gasper, she inhaled. The shag hit her hard.
Looking down at the xyst she felt herself sinking. Deeper. Deeper. Until she reached the paramount. It was now time to open her fists.
She collected all her senses and looked up only to see the entire town spread below her. The blank pages started to be filled with scribbles.
Yes, Soumayaa, this is much better writing. Crisper, more concise. Why not try starting with the line above, "Proova, the protagonist in her book was dying and she had no way to save her." Start the story with that and the rest below.
ReplyDeleteTHEN --- edit it down to 100 words and you're home free. I think your idea is viable, it just needs clearer expression.
Contact me through the "about" section of my blog and we'll start from there, OK? Good to see you want to write!
Kent
Thank you so much for the suggestions Mr. Kent. Honest critisism is always sought for and you are somebody who provides that to me, without hesitations. Looking forward to more reviews by you, helping me get just perfect ;)
DeleteThank you!
Rochelle has or WILL comment on your story. I have let her know you'd like some help as well. She's very good. She helps me a LOT! And we have others, too!
ReplyDeleteYou have been generous enough Mr. Kent!
DeleteDear Soumyaa
ReplyDeleteIt seems my earlier comment didn't show up. So again I'll say welcome to Friday Fictioneers.
I agree with Kent. The first couple of lines are a bit hard to read in that it sounds like she's holding her severed head on her knees. Does that make sense?
We're here to help and offer suggestions if you want them. Its's how we grow as a writing community.
All my best and shalom,
Rochelle
Thank you for taking time out Rochelle.
DeleteWhat I wanted to portray was that she rested her head on her knees while sitting on the edge of the stairs here. I guess I didn't quite succeed in conveying my point. I'm sure with yours and Kent's help, there's a long way to go.
Your expert suggestions are ALWAYS welcome. I understand the importance of a great critic. I hope you will visit often !
Thank you for making me a part of your writing community Rochelle :)
I would say something like, "As she sat on the edge of the steps, she pulled her knees into her chest and rested her head on them" The other way sounds like her head is off her body.
ReplyDeleteI once had someone who critiqued a work of mine. i had written something to the effect, "he sat in the grass with the dog's head in his lap." Her comment was, "Was it bloody? Where was the dog's body?" I laughed and laughed and got the point.
Happy to help.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Haha! I absolutely understand your point. I'm going to remember that in future. Sentence formation and grammar DOES make the essence of a writing!
DeleteCan't thank you enough for your help, dear Rochelle!
Very evocative writing. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteThank you for those kind words Shandra :)
DeleteWelcome to my blog.
Nice when blank pages get filled up. Writers are delighted :)
ReplyDeleteIt's natural for writers to get attached to their characters.
I had written a similar poem some months ago :)
Can relate to your story!
Yes, aren't they just delighted? I'm glad you can relate to this one. It is difficult to build up a strong character and even more, to let it go.
DeleteAnd your poem seems amazing to me!
Thank you and Welcome to my blog Anita :)
Soumyaa, I think you'll do just fine with the advice you're getting. I'm also a beginning writer and I'm always happy to get helpful advice..Your story is an interesting one. Well done. : ) ---Susan
ReplyDeleteThank you Susan :)
DeleteWonderful take on the prompt.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
DeleteI hear you're new - welcome to the Fictioneers! This piece is very evocative and particularly for an audience principally composed of writers who will feel your character's pain.
ReplyDeleteYou've had some great suggestions from other members of the group, so I won't repeat their words. In terms of word count, editing to 100 words comes with practice and I know how much it feels like you're killing your babies the first few (hundred!) times. Just remember that the story is almost always stronger at the end of the process. And keep your previous versions in case you change your mind about a cut!
Thank you so much Jennifer. Yes, Rochelle and Kent indeed helped me by providing some great suggestions. Kent has been very kind!
DeleteYou cannot be more correct when you say it feels like you're killing your babies, reducing the word count to hundred! But I guess I understand it's importance. That in fact is the art, isn't it?
And oh good reminder about the previous versions. I'll need to refer while making changes and even after! Thank you for that help. I might need some more, so keep visiting! :)
I like how your first words visually exploded. I like the relationship that the protagonist in this story has with the protagonist in the book, and how you gradually reveal that that she's writing the story of the protagonist, not reading it. I know the experience of characters coming alive and writing their own stories. I like how this story describes your writing process.
ReplyDelete"Gasper" is a new term to me, but I caught what it is. What fun, to share each other's language peculiarities.