Sitting at the shack by the sea, I see the coarse black sky. The wind blows against my face and a remembrance of the past hits me like the pangs of penury, but it doesn’t hurt. I am elevated, I feel open and free. As I decide to turn a page of my life, acceptance seeks further inside. I’m falling in love- with myself, again.
The world today encourages constant communication. Living the extroverted life now has newer connotations. These necessities have made it hard for me to keep up because I’m not somebody who attracts the crowd by my mere presence.
Unaware of the gift I had of being an introvert, as a child I wanted to be one of those kids who had the other kids following them. When children my age were hiding and seeking the hidden, I sat in my room carving out personality traits I needed to be able to titillate their interest in me. My family kept telling me that it was okay to go unrecognized in class, that there will be a time when they will all listen to me in anticipation.
“What do they know”, I kept underestimating their experiences.
As I grew up, I secretly aspired to be like one of those plastics in my class (Let’s name her A). With my nerdy hairstyle and a bag full of books I planned to finish in one day, A’s flowy dresses and her straight, silky hair always had me going. I tried to adopt her gregarious personality, failing miserably of course. I couldn’t, rather wasn’t willing to be expansive like her and let loose. I had a clenched fist and an opaque shelter around me, which wasn’t open for people to enter. I cursed myself for being who I was and decided I would die in isolation.
I rejected my qualities of being able to keep calm and be patient in every situation life brought me to. I wanted to create a ruckus like A did, to exaggerate and gain sympathies.
As days passed, my shelter only grew smaller in size, now choking me inside it.
Then came graduation. I stepped out into a superior world- a world where nobody knew A, where I, A, B, C and all of us had to carve a niche for ourselves. This world did not stop at the pomp and show of A. I realized this world was beyond the ramblings of a High School life.
I felt stupid in this world. I gathered my childhood had been wasted behind unnecessary cravings, that being an introvert could be my biggest strength. My shelter expanded and air blew in like the sweet fragrance of the spring.
I now understood the quietness in my life. It wasn’t loneliness; it was a nice kind of quite like the sound of a page being turned in a book. Normality that I was trying to achieve all this while was something to get away from.
As an introvert, I am my best friend now. I watch movies and go on dinner dates with myself. I sometimes take trains to places I’ve never been before. I enjoy the party in my head. I’ve shared some of the best moments of life with myself , my inner self.
I’m not anti-social. No. I only need to get away to refill my energy. It assures me, no matter what may-hem is happening around, I can always turn inward.
As I sit by the sea tonight, I steal a little piece of freedom from the water and the wind.
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